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Post by chopchop on Jul 18, 2014 6:51:47 GMT
I went to the doctor the other day
I said 'have you got anything for wind'
so he gave me a kite.
My wife phoned me just before the show and said,
'I've got water in the carburetor,
I said 'Where's the car'
She said 'In the river'
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."
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Post by chopchop on Jul 24, 2014 22:27:53 GMT
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
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Post by chopchop on Jul 25, 2014 6:56:02 GMT
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off - don't worry, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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Post by chopchop on Jul 28, 2014 8:55:08 GMT
"My mate Denzil and I were driving across Bodmin Moor when we saw a sheep with its head caught in railings. I thought, 'I've heard all about this sheep-shagging, I'll give it a go." After I'd done the deed, I said "Come on Denzil, your turn!" "Don't be daft!" he replied, "How on earth could I fit my head through those railings?!"
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Post by chopchop on Aug 16, 2014 6:57:04 GMT
Police have removed a large amount of material from a house belonging to Cliff Richard.
Fingers crossed it's just child porn and not new music.
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Post by chopchop on Aug 26, 2014 7:35:55 GMT
Derek Acora....TV medium!!
Thousands of jokers mocked the 64-year-old TV ghost-hunter, with one asking: “Is cauliflower the ghost of broccoli?”
As the jibes flooded in, Derek was forced to admit he had no idea his name would be trending on the site.
Cheeky Bert Swattermain asked: “I’ve just washed my hair with volumising shampoo but haven’t got a mirror.
"Can you tell me, is there any body there?”
Daddy Gannon said: “If you get an exorcist to come round your house and you don’t end up paying him, do you get repossessed?”
Thomas Walsh wrote: “Hey Derek, can you find out if duvets are just fat ghosts? Thanks.”
Richard Burns tweeted: “Hi Derek, were your books written by a ghost writer?”
And Humphrey Ker said: “Can you sense whether I’m holding my genitals right now or not?”
Acorah later claimed he had nothing to do with the flood of questions using hashtag #AskDerekAcorah.
“Hey Derek, can you find out if duvets are just fat ghosts?”
Twitter user Thomas Walsh
He was stunned to get home from a meeting and find himself the most talked-about subject on Twitter.
Fred Flunk asked: “Hi Derek, if ghosts can walk thru walls how come they don’t fall through floors?”
John Walker added: “Are you a-fraud of no ghost? #incrediblepun.”
And Mnrrnt said simply: “WHERE’S THE F***ING PLANE THEN?”
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