Jokes jokes jokes

A guy walks into a dry cleaner to pick up his clothes and the cashier says, ''Come again.''
The guy says: "Nah, this time it was ketchup."



A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian replies " F*** off, you won't bring it back!".


What does Disney world and Viagra have in common? You wait an hour for a two minute ride.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


“Does my wife think I’m a control freak? I haven’t decided yet.”


Muslim women, instead of wearing the head-to-toe burka thing, they could wear Disney character suits. They’d be covered, and it’s a little more fun.

An elderly couple are driving across the country. The woman is driving when she gets pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer says, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman asks her, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband once again. "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gives the officer her license. The patrolman looks it over and says with a smile to the old man, "Tallahassee, Florida, huh? I had a blind date once with a gal from there. Worst piece of ass I've ever had, with tits like a roofers nail bags
The woman turns to her husband. "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!"


An old man lay on his deathbed with his wife by his side. He whispers to her, "Mabel, I can't believe it's almost over, and here you are, right by my side as always."
She says, "I've always been there for you, dear."
He nods. "When I lost the business and went bankrupt, you were there. When the bank foreclosed on our house, you were there. When the government came after me for ten years' worth of back taxes, you were there. When the doctor told me I had six months to live, you were there. Hey, Mabel, you know something?"
"What?"
"I've been giving it some thought here, and you're a goddamn jinx!"

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.
"Oh so sad dear" says the other.
"And this is my second son Khalid. He's 21"
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born".
"He's a martyr too " says mum quietly.
"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18", she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".
"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

* 54 times the sheets were just cleaned
* 17 times it was too late
* 49 times you were too tired
* 20 times it was too hot
* 15 times you pretended to be sleep
* 22 times you had a headache
* 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
* 16 times you said you were too sore
* 12 times it was the wrong time of the month
* 19 times you had to get up early
* 9 times you said weren’t in the mood
* 7 times you were sunburned
* 6 times you were watching the late show
* 5 times you didn’t want to mess up your new hairdo
* 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
* 9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

* 6 times you just laid there
* 8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling
* 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
* 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
* 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

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dear Husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:

* 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
* 36 times you did not come home at all
* 21 times you didn’t come with energy
* 33 times you came too soon
* 19 times you went soft before you got in
* 38 times you worked too late
* 10 times you got cramps in your toes
* 29 times you had to get up early to play golf
* 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
* 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
* 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
* 2 times you had a splinter in your finger
* 20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
* 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
* 98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

* The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
* I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, “Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?”
* The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

A man walks into a doctors surgery wearing nothing but cling film..... Doctor says "I can clear see your nuts"

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can’t run -

How do you know when you’re too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air freshener -

I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said ‘Thyroid problem?' -